I have been up for 24 hours. I have had 3 cups of coffee. I took one Adderall.
My body is shaking and I constantly have to remind my self to unclench my jaw. My palms are sweating and I am questioning whether or not my nausea is actually me fighting the urge to throw up or if I am just ridiculously nauseous.
I have to type my class notes, but I cant seem to move my fingers in time. My mind thinks that I should be able to move my fingers faster but they just do not seem to be that quick. Maybe it is because they are shaking. Maybe it is because I can’t really control my thoughts.
I don’t know if I can fully describe how I feel right now. I know that every few moments or so I have to remind myself where I am.
I know how I feel when Im drunk….I have mixed feelings about that. Mostly because it is the good part does not last very long and I either end up sick or in pain.
I know how I feel when Im high….I like that. I feel relaxed and happy and aware.
I dont think I like how I feel right now.
I know I don’t like how I feel right now.
I feel shaky and paranoid. I feel tense and uncomfortable.
I dont know why I wrote this. I do that a lot. I write things and don’t know why. I mean I do know why. I like to think that it is my way of really understanding it. It is my way of being artsy and expressive. I spend so much of my time here just scrolling and reblogging. Scrolling and reblogging. Never really contributing. That’s not right. I want to be a part of it. I want to do more than just watch.
I have this idea in my head that someone reads my posts like these every once and a while and it clicks with them. I have had moments like that with other peoples posts. I want to think I can give that to someone. It rarely happens. The few times it has I have never felt happier. They were brief moments but they were ones that made me feel less alone. That’s what it all comes down to right? Feeling alone or not. Feeling a part of something or not.
Yeah. Theres the truth. I write these rambling posts because I want to feel less alone and I know that at the end of the day, the place to feel a part of something is here.
Well. There it is.
This is what happens when I pull an all nighter.